Every single day I have all of these thoughts and feelings and ideas and think to myself; 'Ill write about that on my blog'. And every single day I don't go anywhere near my laptop, I don't write a note on my phone and I don't talk to anyone about what I was thinking of writing.

There was a time when I was super proud of my little space on the internet but I felt pressure to make what I wrote interesting enough that someone else would read until the end and that they would take something from it which is half of the reason why I started my blog.

The three main reasons I started were to:
1. Keep a record of our lives as the boys grew up.
2. Write about all the goings on in my head and get them out on to paper (or screen)
3. To inspire or give something positive that others could take away once reading. Whether that's because they felt the same, they got an idea from something or because they didn't feel so alone knowing I was going through or experiencing the same.

I would re read things and think what knob wrote that, oh yea it was me! And it just killed the love I had for writing all of these things down. I have note books piled up with ideas and plans and a draft list as long as my arm of posts that I just cant bring myself to finishing all because I'M holding myself back because of MY own lack of confidence.

The social aspect of blogging was in itself both a blessing and a curse. I love the people I have meet through blogging, those who I follow and admire and inspire me. They make me realise every day that parenthood isn't all smiles and sunshine but can be a bit pooey too and its ok to say 'I'm having a bad day and I want five minutes without a child shouting my name or pushing his brother'. I really couldn't do this parenting malarkey as good as I do without them behind me giving me a slight push without them even knowing they do it.

But keeping up with it all is exhausting and time consuming and isolating from the real world. Twitter chats fly with incredible speed, Instagram posts are days old before you see them and want to comment. I just cant keep up and therefore get a little bit left behind. Yet when I do manage to keep up, I'm so immersed in my phone that I'm not paying enough attention to the here and now and I'm missing out on conversations with my husband or I missed a smile or an achievement from the boys all because my face was in my phone.

Its so hard to know what to do. I don't have the time to write, perfect, take photos, edit photos, take part in twitter chats, put myself out there, join linkys, comment on posts, comment on videos, comment on photos, promote myself. And if I did, I just don't have the confidence.
Whatever comes from Pepper and The Robinsons I want to look back on in 10, 20, 30 years time and be proud of, I want to show the boys what I wrote about them and our lives and I want to know I made some kind of difference.

But for now I'm just a bit unsure as to what will come of it. Whether I'll make time to write and let it be just for me, whether I'll write and go hard or go home, or whether I'll make the whole thing private and leave it locked away. I just don't know?

Ellie x